Communication: 3 situations where an apology is everything

“You apologized for things you didn't do. I always find it interesting when people do things like that.”

(“You apologized for things you didn't even do. I always find it interesting when people do that.”)

The quote comes from Matt Haig's new book, “The Life Impossible.” It describes a phenomenon that is also discussed in online media: some people constantly say sorry.

It is often said that women in particular apologize far too much. Do you have a question? No reason to apologize. Laughing out loud? Please save your “sorry.” Whether you are a woman or not, there is no need to feel guilty about something that we need, want, can do, know, believe or are. Perhaps, according to one theory, frequent, inappropriate apologies are in many cases an expression of a lack of self-acceptance.

But as inappropriate as the word “sorry” is in some situations, it can be valuable and effective in other moments when it is not necessarily necessary. To name just three examples.

Situations where an apology is everything

Jogger meets dog

The other day, when I was running, a dog ran in front of my feet. That was stupid. I was about to get angry, but then I saw the dog's owner, who looked at me with friendly concern (and not amusement!) and said: “Sorry.” That drove away my anger before it could even frown. I called out to the woman with a relaxed “It's fine, nothing happened” and happily carried on walking.

I don't know how many times I've met dog owners who didn't apologize. They just laughed (perhaps out of embarrassment?) and were obviously happy about how well their Irish Red Setter was letting off steam. Afterwards, I rarely continued walking in a good mood – I was mostly annoyed.

Bulk shopping at the stationery store

One Friday evening I had just bought a birthday present for my brother and wanted to quickly buy a card in the stationery store on the way home. The choice was easy for me and I quickly got in line at the checkout. There were only three customers in front of me. But things weren't moving forward. One customer took too long and left. I moved forward and saw what was going on: the woman whose turn it was had a lot of stationery in her basket that could have been used to supply an entire year group. And the cashier had to scan and pack each pencil and each folder individually.

The line got longer and longer, discontent and impatience hung in the air. I definitely felt annoyed. After a while, the bulk buyer turned around and said to us waiting: “Excuse me, I'm sorry.” That woke me up from my annoyance trance. I answered the woman: “You don't need to apologize, you have the right to buy what you want, you don't have to feel bad about it.” I meant that your apology was unnecessary. But it made me see the other customer's perspective as well as my own. It made me understand that there was nothing that could be done about the situation right now. That relaxed me. And it made me feel like I was surrounded by friendly people who would never intentionally annoy me.

The busy friend

Recently, a good friend wrote to me after a few months of radio silence and began his message with the words “Sorry, I've been meaning to get in touch for a long time, …”.

I would have been happy to receive his message either way, and I wasn't hurt by his silence either. I knew he had a lot on his plate, and I trusted him to be my friend, even if life sometimes gets in the way of us talking or seeing each other. With the word “sorry” at the beginning of his message, however, he signaled to me once again that he cares about our friendship. That he doesn't think it's right and that it doesn't last long when there is radio silence between us.

“Sorry” has many names

Sometimes people use an apology to tell us that they don't believe they have the same right as others to take up space in our world. Sometimes they share their regrets, and sometimes they say, “I see you.” Apologies can connect us to one another, and often we share how we see a situation, relationship, or ourselves. Not everything can be made right by an apology.

In my opinion, judging when a person is apologizing too often is just as difficult and complex as understanding the reasons that motivate them to do so. Lack of self-acceptance or insecurity can play a role. But Matt Haig presents another motivation in his novel: “It’s like an admission that everyone in the world is a little bit to blame for everything.”The above quote continues: “It's like an admission that everyone in the world is a little bit to blame for everything.” That's certainly up for debate. But it would at least explain why it's so nice to forgive.

Brigitte

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